Ep 31: Unpacking Perfectionism, Part 1. (Impact on Health, Relationships and Performance)

Episode show notes:

Last week I had a discovery call with a woman leader who felt that her perfectionism was keeping her stuck in procrastination, stress & performance anxiety. 

She was never good enough in her own eyes and the fear of failure stopped her from taking on projects that she wanted, because if she did, and failed, she felt that she couldn’t live with herself. 

So it was better to not do it at all, because then she did not risk anything. 

I asked her; 

What are you longing for? 

And she paused, and said, 

“I want to feel peace. I want to be able to enjoy life more. To be present. To not always be striving, to be able to let go of things and not be so demanding of the people around me. To have more fun. And to not always over-work stuff until the last minute.” 

You have no idea how common this is, so that’s why I want to bring it up. 

This woman has everything you could wish for on paper, and still feel so self-critical on the inside, pushing herself like crazy. 

Maybe you even recognize yourself in some of this? 

This is an episode series in two parts. 

In this first one I will talk about what perfectionism is, the real cost of it on your health, relationsships and performance. 

I will go into three different kinds of perfectionism and how those might play out in your life. 

In the second part I will talk about some of the root causes, how I work with my clients to reduce their perfectionism and some things you can do yourself. 

Find the show-notes and other resources at sofiavoncelsing.com/podcast 

Hi ladies, 

Today we're getting real about something that hits close to home for a lot of women—how striving for perfection can be a sneaky bastard, impacting your joy, health, performance and even messing with your relationships.

First, let’s talk about what perfectionism is. 

Perfectionism is basically when you feel like everything you do has to be spot on, flawless, without a single mistake.

It's like you're always pushing yourself super hard to make sure everything is 100% perfect, whether it's at work, school, or even in your personal stuff like hobbies or how you keep your house and the way your body looks. 

It's this pressure you put on yourself to never mess up and always meet these super high standards you've set. 

And even when you do something really well, if it's not perfect, it feels like it's not good enough. So you discount your successes and constantly find faults. 

So, it's kinda like being your own toughest critic, or a critic of others, all the time.

And this goes far beyond just being meticulous, ambitious and having high standards, it’s way deeper than that and usually results in an intense fear of failure and not living up to expectations.

And this is soo common among high-achieveing women leaders, so if you recognize yourself, you are not alone. 

Now, what are the actual costs of this? 

The Costs of Perfectionism 

How can it be a negative thing to have high standards, be ambitious and wanting things to look great? 

Well, it depends on the nature of it, and the driving force behind it. 

Science has shown that there is no positive correlation between perfectionism and high performance. And the reason for this is because a perfectionist is usually driven by negative emotions like fear, shame, guilt, anxiety, stress or anger. 

This is making it really hard to be present, focused, logical, analytical and make the right decisions. 

Yes, there is no doubt about it that perfectionists can achieve some outer success in the short term, but very seldom feel happy and healthy on the inside and have great relationships at the same time. 

Because of that fear that someone will soon find out that they don’t know their stuff, or fear of failure. 

By working on those perfectionist tendencies, they will be more successful, and feel happier at the same time. 

Researchers have found that there are three different types of perfectionism. 

These types supports the understanding of how perfectionism manifests in individuals.

The three types are:

• Self-Oriented Perfectionism: This form involves setting really high standards for oneself and engaging in critical self-evaluations. Individuals with self-oriented perfectionism push themselves hard to reach their ideals. They may also believe that being perfect is necessary to be accepted by others.
  
  

• Other-Oriented Perfectionism: This type involves holding unrealistically high expectations of others. People with other-oriented perfectionism expect perfection from their friends, family, and colleagues, and they may be highly critical of others who do not meet their standards. This can strain relationships and create a super challenging environment for those around them.
  
  

• Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: This form is characterized by the perception that others hold unrealistically high standards for the individual, and that you must meet these expectations to be valued or accepted. It involves some kind of belief that others judge them harshly and that they must be perfect to gain approval. This type of perfectionism can lead to significant stress and anxiety because the individual feels they cannot control the demands placed upon them by others.

Understanding these types of perfectionism is crucial for recognizing how they can impact well-being and performance. 

And many of the women leaders I work with have some or all of these tendencies at the start, and feel like it’s not supporting them, that it’s actually taking them further away from the person they want to be or the things they want to accomplish in life. 

To give you an overview of how this plays out on your…

..Mental & Physical Health

First, it’s exhausting. It's like being on a treadmill that keeps speeding up—eventually, you're gonna get thrown off. This constant push will impact your physical and mental health, making you stressed, anxious, tense or even leading you down the path to burnout.

It can lead to eating disorders, deperate to find things to control, depression, comparison, tension, feeling of absence in your life. 

Check on all of these for myself back in the days. 

Relationships

Perfectionism can impact relationships a lot. Having sky-high expectations on yourself and others can make everyone walking on eggshells, trying to meet these impossible standards. It makes it hard to connect with each other for real and be present and relaxed when you hang out with people. 

But sometimes the perfectionism is only turned inwards, to the person themselves, and not to others or the surroundings. 

And lastly, performance. 

Performance 

When perfectionism is running the show, it’s tricky to get the right things done and be effective. This can take shape as procrastination, (fear of failure keeps you from taking action), avoidance, and/or overworking and overthinking up until the last minute. This usually means that you get less things done, less 80/20 thinking. 

I hope this has given you an overview of the topic and in the next episode, I will cover some of the root causes of perfectionism and how discovering those and working actively with them can be such a game-changer in your life. 

In addition to this I will talk about the common justification lies we tell ourselves about why perfectionism is a good thing and how it got you where you are. 

You will also learn how I help my clients with this and get some concrete tips and tricks on what you can do, so you can live the life you want, reduce stress, perform better and become a lot happier. 

If you enjoy my podcast, it would mean the world to me if you could take 5 seconds to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode, and give me a review or five star rating on your podcast app. This helps the podcast to grow. 

Until next time, take care of yourself and go be a badass!