Ep 32: Unpacking Perfectionism, Part 2: Root Causes, Client Stories and Effective Strategies

Episode show notes:

In the last episode we started to unpack perfectionism, what it is, how it plays out, and the impact it has on health, relationships and performance. 

In this episode, part 2, we will look at the root causes. Why does it turn out as a pattern for some people and what are the underlying beliefs behind perfectionism?

I will also give you some tips and tricks what I do to combat it, what you can do yourself, and share success stories and amazing results from one of my clients, Emma, when she challenged perfectionism and started living life more according to her own values.

Hi ladies, 

If you have not listened to the previous episode, nr 31, I highly recommend to do it. Either you pause now and listen to that one first, or after this. 

I want to start by admitting that running this podcast is a constant challenge of the old perfectionist in me. There’s just soo much I want to cover in each episode and I always feel that I could and should squeeze in more stuff and tweak phrasing over and over again.

At this moment of recording I still write, edit and produce everything myself and it could eat up all my time if I allowed it to. So I need to remind myself of good enough, kill my darlings, 80/20, you know the drill. 

But it’s a bit of an irony, wanting an episode on perfectionism to be perfect. And I want to share this with you that even if I work with supporting women with this, I still fall in the trap sometimes. 

And I think when it comes to this subject in particular, I want to do it well. Because it’s big and complex and can also trigger people. And I want to explain it in a way that lands well. 

I’m not a perfectionist in all areas, but my work has been one of them. Earlier this has resulted in avoidance, procrastination, stress, performance anxiety and a lot of over-working. 

So it is something I’m very aware of and work constantly on. 

But what I realize now, is that I’m much more driven by positive emotions than negative ones, so the perfectionism is fading away. 

I want to spread knowledge, support awesome women to live more joyful lives, advance their careers, boost confidence and feel better. So now, that’s driver now, much more than what used to be fear, shame, guilt, stress and anxiety. 

Use Positive Emotions Like Fuel Instead of Negative Emotions

And this is exactly the goal here, to change the gasoline behind the actions to positive emotions like inspiration, joy, creativity, love, gratitude.  

It’s easy to think that perfectionism is a good thing. That it leads to higher performance, better results etc. But it’s been proven that there is no positive correlation, exactly because of the driving force behind it being negative emotions. 

When positive emotions pull you forward, there is nothing that can stop you.

In this episode I will refer to one of my previous VIP clients, Emma, who I worked with for 8 months. I called her to ask if I could tell her story and she said hell yes, that we need to share more stories like hers and spread the word about how incredibly common this is this affects so many women’s lives. 

So let’s look at the root causes for perfectionism. 

Usually it goes pretty deep, all the way back to childhood. 

If you listened to episode 20 on Mental Fitness, you know that we all have internal saboteurs, or internal critics. If you have not heard it, you can go back to that to get an overview of all saboteurs. Link in the show notes. 

The Saboeturs are the root cause of all negative emotions, like shame, fear, stress, anxiety, guilt, anger etc and are usually formed during early childhood as protective mechanisms. 

One of our brains main functions is to keep us alive and safe. So we develop saboteurs to do exactly that. 

I’m a coach in the framework Positive Intelligence by Dr Shirzad Chamine, who came up with these 10 saboteurs through extensive worldwide research and factor analysis. 

The saboteur mostly connected with perfectionism is the Stickler.

I’ll drop a link to a free saboteur assessment in the show notes, where you can see which saboteurs that are impacting you the most. 

The Stickler is often accompanied by the Hyper-Achiever, The Pleaser and the Controller, and this is usually a recipe for disaster, but today let’s look at the Stickler.

Emma had these four as her top saboteurs, and was near exhaustion when we started working together. 

The characteristics of the Stickler is;

Highly critical of self and others and feel a strong need for self-control, self-discipline and perfection. Might work overtime to make up for other’s sloppiness and laziness and is sensitive to criticism. 

This was exactly the case for her. She was very hard-working and had insanely high expectations of herself. 

When I told her about the beliefs that the Stickler usually holds, she just laughed and said, my husband could sign off on me having all of these. 

Here are some of the beliefs the Stickler usually holds; 

• Right is right and wrong is wrong.

• If you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all.

• I know the right way.

• Others too often have too low standards.

• I need to be more organized than others to get things get done.

• I hate mistakes.

The original survival function 

Usually there’s a fear of others judging them, and then aiming for perfection is a way to silence that inner critic. It's like, if they I everything right, then I will be safe of criticism.

It might have been their way of finding some order in a chaotic family or getting noticed by hard-to-please parents by being the perfect child.

In the case of Emma, this was exactly the thing. She was already very organized as a child and constantly got confirmation that she was such a well-behaved girl, who took great responsibility, was helpful and took care of others. 

And yes, this also gave her great opportunities, she did really well in school and got great jobs. 

It was a trait but taken too far, as it all became too much and she couldn’t stop the train. She was not aware of how much this pushed her. 

So The Stickler is one out of the 10 saboteurs, but the one that is most associated with perfectionism. 

But, let’s not get discouraged here if you recognize yourself in some or all of these. 

Recognizing them and the root cause is step one. 

And I can tell you, getting to know them is like shining a light in those dark corners—suddenly, they don't seem so scary.

Understanding which beliefs you hold will also expose the fears behind them. 

If you want to dive deeper into beliefs, you can go back to Episode 25. I’ll drop a link in the show-notes. 

Ok, enough about the problems. Let’s talk about the solutions. 

These are some of the things Emma and I did together and the process I take all my clients through to Kick Perfectionism to the Curb;

1. Saboteur assessment. 

The first thing we did was a saboteur assessment. She took the test and then we discussed the results thoroughly. This supported us to discover all her patterns, beliefs and how it’s was impacting her.  

We worked actively with the saboteurs as a part of the program to reduce the volume of those inner critics and increase the volume of the wiser, more self-compassionate, loving, logical, innovative and curious part of the brain. 

It get’s so much easier to have specific saboteurs to point to as the creator of certain emotions and behaviours, and knowing that it’s not her, it’s a saboteur. 

1. Discover personal values 

Second step was to get really clear on personal values. 

When you know what’s truly important to you, it’s easier to make decisions and to prioritize. 

When looking deep inside, chances are, it's not having the cleanest house on the street or the most flawless report at work.

Emma discovered that one of her values was presence. 

But she saw that perfectionism was getting in the way of being present with her loved ones, because she kept thinking about how to make everything perfect all the time. Be the perfect wife, mum, colleague, daughter, friend. It was exhausting to say the least. 

During the program we continuously talked about this and challenged that belief. One example was when she was going to have relatives staying at her place for several days, and she was stressed out about it. 

We understood that those thoughts came from the unrealistic expectations on herself on being the perfect hostess, on top of taking care of two kids and her demanding job. 

She decided to invite her guests in by telling them about the unrealistic expectations that she had on herself and getting them to confirm that they definitely did not have those on her. 

This supported her to ask for help, to lower the bar, focusing on spending quality time together and not wasting the little energy she had on having a full-on-plan and perfect home.

She also discovered that another value was sustainability. She was exhausted but wanted to get her energy back and find a more sustainable way of working and living. 

So with this value in mind, we made a plan for her, what she wanted her career and life to look like to make it sustainable for her. How to continuously fill up her energy bucket. 

This also supported her to see that she needed and wanted to have another role in her company. Right now in time it was not sustainable to have that role she did with two small kids and an exhaustion in the bagage. 

To do this she had to challenge her ego, which also is a big thing when The Stickler is around. 

Some other values that she discovered were happiness and peace of mind, both in her private life as well as at work. 

More concretely this meant practicing letting go, kind of the opposite to perfectionism. 

Deciding to step over that messy kitchen. Or not make comments when colleagues do things in a way that she wouldn’t. 

To let go of the need to control. 

At first she had to put in a lot of effort to do this, but now it happens more naturally. She said is has been a long process. 

1. Challenge the fear/belief by exposure to the uncomfortable

Like I mentioned, all limiting beliefs have fears behind them. 

One fear can be that you will be judged or let people down if something is not perfect. 

One time Emma was invited to speak at a very important conference abroud. She was nervous, which is natural. But she was also afraid of letting people down if it wasn’t good enough.

But this was important to her and very much aligned with her values of making a difference in the world, so she said yes anyway. 

She also set a deadline for herself to send the presentation to the organizer well beforehand so she could not perfect it up until the last minute. 

Emma did such an awesome job and felt so proud of herself after. 

Every time you do something out of your comfort zone, you grow and your confidence grows too. 

And this made me think about another client, that was also constantly over-working her projects and could spend an extra 5-10 hours on a presentation just to make it top-notch in her eyes. But of course, it already was, 5-10 hours earlier. 

So there, the exposure was to ask herself, “what will happen if instead of making a full-on plan, come with a few points to discuss during the meeting?” 

For her this was a big thing, letting go of the expectation on herself to deliver something 120% ready, and inviting the team to chip-in instead. 

This way she could free up time to do something she valued way more than spending those extra hours, which was hanging out with her husband. 

I believe many of us can relate to this and often this means procrastination of even more important tasks that could have been managed within the same timeframe.

So this is all about facing the fear head on, and seeing what happens. Experimenting with the uncomfortable and noticing that the world did not fall apart. 

This is something that is widely used in CBT & ACT and I use it a lot, behaviour experiments and testing assumptions and hypothesis. 

Another tool that is really handy when it comes to lower perfectionism is 

4. Practice gratitude. 

This is a treasure chest. I often remind all my clients to practice gratitude, for example by writing down three things they are grateful for every day. It's a game-changer for perspective and to remind yourself of all that you do have. 

5. Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis will increase your self awareness and will give you moments to stop and reflect before you act on autopilot. This will support to decide on the action that you value the most, instead of a fear/shame/guilt driven action. 

The increased presence that will come as a result of practicing will also help you to direct your attention to what’s happening in the moment and enjoy that, instead of getting stuck in your head. 

6. Practice self-compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend. Acknowledge your efforts and progress, rather than just the outcome.

For Emma this has been to ask herself, is this something I want to do? Do I need to do it? For who am I doing it? 

What do I need right now? To listen inwards to her own needs and wishes. 

To say no and set boundaries. 

To prioritize herself. 

Knowing that she has a choice. 

I remember our closing session when we wrapped up the program and talked about all the tools she has in her toolbox now. 

I asked, what’s some of the biggest takeaways that you bring with you? 

And she said, knowing that I can affect myself how I feel and the energy I have. That it’s not just a result of outer circumstances. 

She is now so much happier, more energized, motivated at work, present as a mum and wife and more relaxed and it was such a joy to be part of her life. 

It’s time to wrap up this episode, 

If you feel like I have been talking to you and about you in this episode, I really want to send you so much love and hope. 

There is a different world out there waiting for you, with less stress, anxiety and more joy, creativity, productivity and freedom! 

And if you think that perfectionism is getting in the way of you having the career and life that you are dreaming of, let’s talk. 

I’m one DM or email away and I would love to support you. 

Right now all my 1:1 spots are taken but I have created a waiting list and I’m also working on other options that I would love to offer in the mean-time.

I’ll drop my contact details in the show notes. 

And if this episode sparked something for you, share it with someone who could use a little nudge to embrace their beautifully imperfect self. 

Until next time, take care of yourself and go be a badass!